Today

I was told that I have to be more firm in getting what I want. I was told I give people too many chances. Sometimes, I let people lead me around by the nose. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Who's to say? Who's to say when is the time to let go, and or when is the time to be firm? Who's to say that now is the time for that, and later would not bring better things?

Oh well, on a positive note, I had been really productive. Being away from it all, the noise of the city and people has probably done me a lot of good. In being able to silence my mind. Downside is that I definitely feel that my brain is processing less. Don't know if that is the silence, or the cold!

And ever apt, from V,
Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.

What has been happening

I have been thrown into unfamiliarity, and though this is what I wanted, of course, I am finding it a little tough to cope, a little tough to fit in. Well, nothing is going to change, and so I'd better fit in.

On another note, I have been reading how I have felt while I had some time away, the best and the worst times of this year. I feel that though things have changed once again, I don't know how I am feeling about all this. I know on one hand that I am happy that I get another chance to work at things with the person I love, but on the other hand, I feel that nothing has changed in that there are issues that are still unresolved, and as such, are once again, taking a toll on the relationship. There is a reason why the relationship took a turn for the worse the last time, and if still unresolved, will come back again. I am willing to work on these problems, but like everything, that takes two hands to applaud.

I have to admit that I have never really moved on from what happened over the past 3 years. I still love what I had. It is, however, very hard to move on with a second try when what has been dealt to me was really very nasty. I think I will need a lot more reassurance and TLC if I am going to heal at all. I have become a lot more nasty, knowing that if let them in, I will be putting myself in the position to get hurt very badly.

That said, if a superficial relationship is all that is wanted from me, and if no real commitment is seen, then I suppose that there is nothing for me to hang on to. Happy events and occasions are only there to reinforce a strong relationship. When that is not available, then are happy memories all that I can hang on to? I know what I want. I want it all. I want a soulmate, and soulmates know the other's needs and wants. I don't want to get any less than I deserve. I think I deserve an understanding partner, someone who can take care of my feelings. Like a close friend says, someone who knows when I am going to the other person like a hurt puppy, and some TLC is needed.

Going on about what happened over the past 3 months. I was reckless, and I was going about the world with a sledgehammer. I am surprised that I didn't kill myself in the process. I  know I hurt many people, and in hindsight, I am sorry. I was mean to the people who held my hand, who were nice and good to me.

I know that whatever I write, and whatever I say, that there is going to be very high chance that I get sucked into this again. Perhaps like my friends say, I just waste too much time on things that don't matter / things that shouldn't matter.

Some people do what they say, and say what they do. Some have such a large discrepancy between the two. Others just spout nonsense. Which are you?

I'm outta here

Well, this closes a chapter for me in my work life, and though I have worked hard at it, I really need a change from what I have been doing all this while. So much has changed over the past 3 weeks, so much so that I really dont know where to start. Whatever it is, I feel that I am doing better, and generally happier!

What it means to be a gentleman/lady

I was reading somewhere - What it means to be a gentleman / lady. It simply means to make those around you be as comfortable as possible with your actions and words, and to mean them. Some people have it, some are instigators and others are only jesters. Actions and words. Simple right?

I wish me all the best!

Here's to me finding something intellectually stimulating sometime soon! Fingers crossed!

My back!

I hurt my back from windsurfing overpowered, and it is really killing me! Now the dilemma, do I see a specialist now, or do I follow what the medical websites say and hang on for a bit? It is getting better, but oh so so slowly!

Effort

I think that everyone tries in their own different way. Whether or not they tell you about it. However there are some people who simply do not care, are all talk and no actions. If someone is looking for me, they jolly well know where to find me. Otherwise, it really shouldn't matter to me what they think or want to do. I have placed so much hope in humanity, in the character of people, only to be let down. But that said, this is the only time that something like this has happened Just because of one rotten apple, I should not give up hope on the whole plantation.

Graduate

I finally collected my certificate from my Alma Mater, after putting it off for so long, considering that I didn't even turn up for my convocation. It is an odd feeling, closing this chapter of my life, and proceeding on to the next. All I have to say is (a re-iteration of what a close friend said to me) - "I have wasted a lot of time on things that don't matter, and even more time on people who are not worth me." This is pretty darned good!

Numbers

I have aged. Just yesterday, I met this old professor from my Alma Mater. We spoke for quite a while and in his own words, - Kenneth, you are wise beyond your years. A mentality like that is reserved for people well advanced in years. This could be your greatest gift, or your biggest flaw. I wonder what that means. Is it just that he isn't all that bright? Or is it that I just over think and over analyse everything that matters to me?

Good wind!

I think I have to drill into my mind that some people are worth it, and some people aren't. Just by the way that they treat you. Why was I so blind? I chose to believe, even when I was obviously led around by the nose and used for so long. I give people far too many chances.