Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My Sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.
Self destruction
I think I have officially reached the lowest point that I can ever get to. I have been trying to be strong to try and change what I have been dished, but it has not worked. I look into my heart, but it is in smithereens. I had a hope that this will end well, I had a hope that someone would appear and take this pain away. I am in smithereens. I have been cruel, I have also been on the receiving end of cruelty. Its barely 10 in the morning and I am starting my day grieving.
I have been cut off, nothing I can do, nothing I can say that can change what I have been dished, and I feel so helpless. What used to be my life now feels so alien. I am hoping to find some familiarity in all this turmoil, but I feel so alien in my own skin. I totally understand why people kill themselves. Not because they are very upset, but because they have lost themselves while striving for what they want. And when that fails, they have nothing of their own to hold on to.
Many people are listening, but I have to depend on myself to get through this. I am not going to kill myself. I have already died. Looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I need to breathe.
I have been cut off, nothing I can do, nothing I can say that can change what I have been dished, and I feel so helpless. What used to be my life now feels so alien. I am hoping to find some familiarity in all this turmoil, but I feel so alien in my own skin. I totally understand why people kill themselves. Not because they are very upset, but because they have lost themselves while striving for what they want. And when that fails, they have nothing of their own to hold on to.
Many people are listening, but I have to depend on myself to get through this. I am not going to kill myself. I have already died. Looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I need to breathe.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Differences
Differences in objective. That has been what has been on my mind all weekend. Well, before I start, April fool’s day was awesome! Got a good 15+ knots for 3 hours, then 10+ for the next 3. That got me happily planning on my carve 145, and 8.6m Severne Turbo for the first 3 hours, and then Starboard HWR, Neilpryde 11m formula stuff for the next 3 hours. That left me with an insane sunburn that is currently killing me!
Riight, back to the topic at hand. What has been happening. I am actually annoyed again at the person who sweeps things under the carpet, and thinking that the avoidance of a confrontation is the way to make the problem go away. I suppose that in hindsight, there really isn’t anything left to be said and done. Still, it is annoying that there wasn’t much of a closure, so much so that I am still hoping for something more. Something more that can no longer be. I have always drawn a line at physical infidelity. Reconciling with myself over what has been taken from me is quite nasty. I never want to feel this way again. Progressively, I think that I am getting more and more jaded, and that I am becoming less and less trusting of people. Mostly of their characters and determination. I know that linguistically, there are loads of things that can be said about how I feel, and what my experiences have made me out to me. However, I suppose that though I can reason that out for myself, that I am who I am, and that my character has been moulded by experience, and as such, nothing is going to change.
There was a time when I was really geeky, and I delved into academia, and the pursuit of perfection in many aspects of my life. I was into golf and billiards, and if you know those, they are in many ways the pursuit of perfection. I should go back to that. I should go back to cooling down, taking time to sort out myself and the things around me. I should try and return to a clam state, the calm that I used to know so well.
Riight, back to the topic at hand. What has been happening. I am actually annoyed again at the person who sweeps things under the carpet, and thinking that the avoidance of a confrontation is the way to make the problem go away. I suppose that in hindsight, there really isn’t anything left to be said and done. Still, it is annoying that there wasn’t much of a closure, so much so that I am still hoping for something more. Something more that can no longer be. I have always drawn a line at physical infidelity. Reconciling with myself over what has been taken from me is quite nasty. I never want to feel this way again. Progressively, I think that I am getting more and more jaded, and that I am becoming less and less trusting of people. Mostly of their characters and determination. I know that linguistically, there are loads of things that can be said about how I feel, and what my experiences have made me out to me. However, I suppose that though I can reason that out for myself, that I am who I am, and that my character has been moulded by experience, and as such, nothing is going to change.
There was a time when I was really geeky, and I delved into academia, and the pursuit of perfection in many aspects of my life. I was into golf and billiards, and if you know those, they are in many ways the pursuit of perfection. I should go back to that. I should go back to cooling down, taking time to sort out myself and the things around me. I should try and return to a clam state, the calm that I used to know so well.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
What I have realized
Hello all, it has been quite a while since I have felt calm, calm enough to be able to rationalize things for myself. I am again, at the crossroads, where life and love comes to a grinding halt, and matters have to be re-rationalized for the better of myself. I have been on the receiving end of news that basically translates into – “I have been using you, and now that I don’t feel like using you any more, you are hereby dismissed from service” All this came from the wrong person. I was hoping that this news would come from the Army, so that I don’t have to go back as a reserve any more. But nonsense aside, that came from a person who was very dear to me. I was dropped like a hot potato.
After trying to rationalize this for myself, I have realized that I am always nonsensical and illogical when it comes to matters of the heart. I always listen to my heart(gut) and react accordingly. Usually seemingly illogically. I have been through so many, and so much, I really don’t want to go back into the logical side of things, where I continually rationalize things that happen to myself to understand. I have tried that in so many aspects of my life, and like what I always say, humans are a lot less logical than we portray. Simply put, most people are impressionable, no matter the age, no matter the differences. The strongest of people are all but a front, and it is what the person is interested in, what the person is really into at that moment of time that they will allow into their life.
Let me give an example. When a girl is interested in a guy, she goes head into the relationship. It doesn’t matter as to the logical side of things. Logically, she will set up boundaries, like trying to be friends, verbally saying that the friendship is platonic. However, after all that, she will become impressionable. Ideas will start flowing from the guy to the girl, and she will eventually pick up enough to “open up”. In the meantime, she would have closed off to others. This is not only true for romantic relationships. Well, I think that is what I faced for a long time, and so, a partner in love really needs to be your best friend as well.
It has been a rough time for me, and when an aspect of my life does not go well, I have noticed that I overcompensate in others. I was drinking, living life on the edge, making a lot of noise and throwing tantrums, in the hope of maybe getting a bit more attention, or looking cool so that I get noticed, or whatever along those lines. Just to hide and mask my problems.
Well that is a summary of what has happened, perhaps it is not time to think of what is next.
After trying to rationalize this for myself, I have realized that I am always nonsensical and illogical when it comes to matters of the heart. I always listen to my heart(gut) and react accordingly. Usually seemingly illogically. I have been through so many, and so much, I really don’t want to go back into the logical side of things, where I continually rationalize things that happen to myself to understand. I have tried that in so many aspects of my life, and like what I always say, humans are a lot less logical than we portray. Simply put, most people are impressionable, no matter the age, no matter the differences. The strongest of people are all but a front, and it is what the person is interested in, what the person is really into at that moment of time that they will allow into their life.
Let me give an example. When a girl is interested in a guy, she goes head into the relationship. It doesn’t matter as to the logical side of things. Logically, she will set up boundaries, like trying to be friends, verbally saying that the friendship is platonic. However, after all that, she will become impressionable. Ideas will start flowing from the guy to the girl, and she will eventually pick up enough to “open up”. In the meantime, she would have closed off to others. This is not only true for romantic relationships. Well, I think that is what I faced for a long time, and so, a partner in love really needs to be your best friend as well.
It has been a rough time for me, and when an aspect of my life does not go well, I have noticed that I overcompensate in others. I was drinking, living life on the edge, making a lot of noise and throwing tantrums, in the hope of maybe getting a bit more attention, or looking cool so that I get noticed, or whatever along those lines. Just to hide and mask my problems.
Well that is a summary of what has happened, perhaps it is not time to think of what is next.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The moment when
The moment when you realize that you just made a massive mistake, and you are about to kick yourself.
Like how I lead my life, perspective is everything. However, in the pursuit of perspective, sometimes I lose my way. What happens when you find your way? Is everything gone and beyond grasp?
Like how I lead my life, perspective is everything. However, in the pursuit of perspective, sometimes I lose my way. What happens when you find your way? Is everything gone and beyond grasp?
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I'm buzzing along.
After all that has happened, I suppose that this is the calm after the storm, when the little birds come out to play. It has been rough, and times have been bad. However, I suppose I came out of this not stronger, but more apprehensive of most things.
I have learnt many things during my short existence in this world(debatable), and though some are good, and others bad, this reinforces my belief of "nurture over nature". I think I was by nature, a very different person from who I am today, and that my experiences shaped me. Left to my own devices, I am sure I would have killed myself, or worse, gotten expelled from Hogwarts! Haha, I just had to do that.
I suppose that this is going to be a really light hearted post, and that I am resigned, and honestly, just sitting back, and watching time pass. Waiting for the time when I get worked up enough. Enough to jerk a response from me. Till then, let me ponder about the Deboichet fin I wanna get. Or is VMG a better choice?
I have learnt many things during my short existence in this world(debatable), and though some are good, and others bad, this reinforces my belief of "nurture over nature". I think I was by nature, a very different person from who I am today, and that my experiences shaped me. Left to my own devices, I am sure I would have killed myself, or worse, gotten expelled from Hogwarts! Haha, I just had to do that.
I suppose that this is going to be a really light hearted post, and that I am resigned, and honestly, just sitting back, and watching time pass. Waiting for the time when I get worked up enough. Enough to jerk a response from me. Till then, let me ponder about the Deboichet fin I wanna get. Or is VMG a better choice?
Friday, March 9, 2012
Everything has changed
Well, it has been a time of change for me, so much so that I am now back to this, where I put my thoughts and feelings into words. Strange how change makes me use my brain a lot more than consistency.
I was listening to a song, and I shall embed that at the end of this rant. Strangely, I could relate to that so much so that it occurred to me that something else came to mind - A good friend once said, "different paths, same outcome" How true.
Back to the question of interpersonal relationships. How can two people sign a contract saying that they are for each other when I am sure that there are so many factors that will tear them apart? Mutual tolerance? Then again, why would you want to tolerate a person? Why would someone want to be attached/married in the first place? I think I am lost. Lost in my own beliefs and philosophies. They aren't getting me anywhere, and I am over-thinking. Worst part is that my thoughts go round in circles. Never giving me the satisfaction of a conclusion.
I was listening to a song, and I shall embed that at the end of this rant. Strangely, I could relate to that so much so that it occurred to me that something else came to mind - A good friend once said, "different paths, same outcome" How true.
Back to the question of interpersonal relationships. How can two people sign a contract saying that they are for each other when I am sure that there are so many factors that will tear them apart? Mutual tolerance? Then again, why would you want to tolerate a person? Why would someone want to be attached/married in the first place? I think I am lost. Lost in my own beliefs and philosophies. They aren't getting me anywhere, and I am over-thinking. Worst part is that my thoughts go round in circles. Never giving me the satisfaction of a conclusion.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A strange dream
Because I am totally sick of waiting for wind ( And I am sure the dudes at the beach will tell me that it was honking) I decided to have a full rest day. I got up, drank water, cleared up after my cat, and went back to bed!
Well, so it happened like that;
I decided on a small reception at the registrar of marriage, everyone was there waiting, refreshments looked tasty and inviting, and I couldn't get at them because you're only supposed to eat after whatever is supposed to happen. It was storming, and I realized that my new convertible was leaking buckets, I was all wet and had to get a new shirt. My significant other was late, cos she forgot that all this was happening today, went out to pick her in my leaky car, got a new shirt, strangely I remember a lot about that - a light blue/dark brown, kinda interwoven tablecloth like material. Finally picked up the girl, car runs out of fuel, petrol station dude has a psychotic episode and breaks my window with a hammer, heated argument. THEN, my cat jumps on me. literally(not in the dream) and that's where it ends.
SOMEONE translate my dream to me.
Well, so it happened like that;
I decided on a small reception at the registrar of marriage, everyone was there waiting, refreshments looked tasty and inviting, and I couldn't get at them because you're only supposed to eat after whatever is supposed to happen. It was storming, and I realized that my new convertible was leaking buckets, I was all wet and had to get a new shirt. My significant other was late, cos she forgot that all this was happening today, went out to pick her in my leaky car, got a new shirt, strangely I remember a lot about that - a light blue/dark brown, kinda interwoven tablecloth like material. Finally picked up the girl, car runs out of fuel, petrol station dude has a psychotic episode and breaks my window with a hammer, heated argument. THEN, my cat jumps on me. literally(not in the dream) and that's where it ends.
SOMEONE translate my dream to me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Hello!
I know it's been a while, and well, since I saw my last post on my Severne Overdrive 11m, I decided to give an update on that! I was on a concrete ramp 2 weeks ago, and was preparing for an *awesome* day, when this freak wave - okay, more like a large ripple, came along and smacked my sail into a little curb! That in itself wasnt all that bad, it was more of popping a batten. BUT, lo and behold, when I picked up the sail, 2 panels were totally shredded! Cost me $110 to get them re-paneled, and I havent actually gotten the time to go pick it up from the dude yet...
On a better note, since that sail is being worked on, and for some strange reason, I keep ripping it,(I choose to think that it's the sail and not me) I bought a Neilpryde RS-3 for next to nothing, really good condition, practically unused - shan't say new cos it's ancient, and really really powerful! HOWEVER, because my boom is too short, and I cant actually outhaul enough, and thus, maybe that's the real reason as to why I think the sail is too powerful.
I had, about 2 weeks ago, an interesting experience with this 11m RS-3 and my iSonic 150. I really cant describe the feeling, but with my Overdrive, I never feel too fast. I am planing, planing fast, then overpowered. But on the Pryde, I am planing, faster, even faster, and even faster... Till I jibe cos I am scared I am going over the speed limit! (going supersonic!) Perhaps it's the way I rig my sail, but the Pryde feels so much faster it's really interesting!
Whatever it is, I am STILL working on my Jibes, and just perhaps, maybe I can be a tad faster round a course really soon!
On a better note, since that sail is being worked on, and for some strange reason, I keep ripping it,(I choose to think that it's the sail and not me) I bought a Neilpryde RS-3 for next to nothing, really good condition, practically unused - shan't say new cos it's ancient, and really really powerful! HOWEVER, because my boom is too short, and I cant actually outhaul enough, and thus, maybe that's the real reason as to why I think the sail is too powerful.
I had, about 2 weeks ago, an interesting experience with this 11m RS-3 and my iSonic 150. I really cant describe the feeling, but with my Overdrive, I never feel too fast. I am planing, planing fast, then overpowered. But on the Pryde, I am planing, faster, even faster, and even faster... Till I jibe cos I am scared I am going over the speed limit! (going supersonic!) Perhaps it's the way I rig my sail, but the Pryde feels so much faster it's really interesting!
Whatever it is, I am STILL working on my Jibes, and just perhaps, maybe I can be a tad faster round a course really soon!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Severne Overdrive
Oh well, I snapped 2 battens on my 11m sail recently. I realize that the larger the sail gets, the more fragile it is! Not only that, it is really prone to getting lifted by the wind, and smacking down on some screw sticking out at the most unlikely place, tearing itself up!
Oh, that just happened last week.
Now. What am I to do? New sail or just chill and let the dude at the club fix it? Not that he is not going to. He's doing it as I am typing this, but should I splurge on a 2011 Neilpryde Evo III? Who has tried the 10.7?
Oh, that just happened last week.
Now. What am I to do? New sail or just chill and let the dude at the club fix it? Not that he is not going to. He's doing it as I am typing this, but should I splurge on a 2011 Neilpryde Evo III? Who has tried the 10.7?
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