What has been happening

I have been thrown into unfamiliarity, and though this is what I wanted, of course, I am finding it a little tough to cope, a little tough to fit in. Well, nothing is going to change, and so I'd better fit in.

On another note, I have been reading how I have felt while I had some time away, the best and the worst times of this year. I feel that though things have changed once again, I don't know how I am feeling about all this. I know on one hand that I am happy that I get another chance to work at things with the person I love, but on the other hand, I feel that nothing has changed in that there are issues that are still unresolved, and as such, are once again, taking a toll on the relationship. There is a reason why the relationship took a turn for the worse the last time, and if still unresolved, will come back again. I am willing to work on these problems, but like everything, that takes two hands to applaud.

I have to admit that I have never really moved on from what happened over the past 3 years. I still love what I had. It is, however, very hard to move on with a second try when what has been dealt to me was really very nasty. I think I will need a lot more reassurance and TLC if I am going to heal at all. I have become a lot more nasty, knowing that if let them in, I will be putting myself in the position to get hurt very badly.

That said, if a superficial relationship is all that is wanted from me, and if no real commitment is seen, then I suppose that there is nothing for me to hang on to. Happy events and occasions are only there to reinforce a strong relationship. When that is not available, then are happy memories all that I can hang on to? I know what I want. I want it all. I want a soulmate, and soulmates know the other's needs and wants. I don't want to get any less than I deserve. I think I deserve an understanding partner, someone who can take care of my feelings. Like a close friend says, someone who knows when I am going to the other person like a hurt puppy, and some TLC is needed.

Going on about what happened over the past 3 months. I was reckless, and I was going about the world with a sledgehammer. I am surprised that I didn't kill myself in the process. I  know I hurt many people, and in hindsight, I am sorry. I was mean to the people who held my hand, who were nice and good to me.

I know that whatever I write, and whatever I say, that there is going to be very high chance that I get sucked into this again. Perhaps like my friends say, I just waste too much time on things that don't matter / things that shouldn't matter.

Some people do what they say, and say what they do. Some have such a large discrepancy between the two. Others just spout nonsense. Which are you?