Over the weeks

After this week of silence,I daresay that I have found myself in the silence,and I do hope that it shall remain this way. Out of the clutter that I call my life, and out of the insanity that was my mind, I am now rather clear minded. There are many around me who deserve a vacation like what I had, but due to their schedules/ability to leave, they don't. I think it is important for someone to have some quiet time alone once in a while to re-evaluate what they have, what they have lost, and what they want.

What I had was great. What I lost was horrific. What I want is paramount.

What I had was stability, and true to myself, I always go out searching for more, thinking that there is always more in life. As a dear friend once told me, many years ago, she was too, looking for something more. After all these years, I have to say that I have to learn that treasuring what you have been dished is far more important than looking for something new. Be it relationships, or at work, or what have you. Oh, and my dear friend, after a good 10 years, has finally admitted to me that there was nothing more that she could find. And, has not found anything more.

What I lost was very very much dear to me, but in light of what has happened, I do not believe that it was mostly my fault. I tried, and I screamed for attention, But none was afforded to me. Perhaps that is how all humans are. We scream for attention, doing the most nonsensical things hoping to derive some form of reaction from those whom we hold dear. I am guilty of that, and as such, perhaps I went a tad too far. That said, there were just too many factors that were clouding my judgement and what was at hand. Insanity was played out on both sides, to the point, to the point of no return. Words were used and actions were lacking. Words are cheap, and actions are what make us see the beauty of it all. Some people are all words, lyrics and songs. Others are all actions. Who do we trust? Who do we look to for what is to come. Who do we look to to protect the one most important thing in our lives? Who is going to take care of us?

What I want. I want to be able to forgive, never forget, and be more selfish to what I need and what. I have been led around for a long time. Many years, by people who don't give a damn about my well being. Physical well being, yes. But what about my spiritual and emotional well being? I have found that in my closest friends, but not yet in a partner. Do I go around looking? No. I shall try and find that in myself. I always thought I needed someone to love, and to care for, and share with, to be able to find myself. I was right. There is nothing more important than that. I really believe that love wins. Love always wins. I always delve into emotions and let them consume me before I re-evaluate. I do believe that that is the only way for me to fully understand what is happening around me. However, I think that for two people to understand one another on a level that can last a lifetime, that may very well be tough. Impossible, no. But tough nonetheless. It is a decision that you make. It's a decision that has to be weighed very carefully. If events play out in a manner detrimental to you in any way, then perhaps, just perhaps, sooner, rather than later is always better.

All this said, I am probably none the wiser, I am perhaps a lot more calm, but then again, none the wiser. This feeling that I feel all day, this thought that stops me from sleeping and jolts me out of sleep in a cold sweat. This feeling that is the worst in the mornings is a good friend of mine. I have known it a long time ago. It keeps coming back to visit. Just as death is part and parcel of life, I do believe that heartaches are too. I am not yet afraid of death. Perhaps I have never been. I am however, very weary of heartaches.

Worthiness. Who do we hang out with and who do we trust with our hearts? There are some things that I find paramount in a relationship. Be it friendships or in a partner. I believe that it is love, loyalty, respect, concern, sensitivity, attentiveness and the list is really too long to be written, but the top few are there. Who I hang out with, after the parties and the drinks, usually do leave me with the seeds of thought. Of little things that after the haze clears, I hold dear to myself. Perhaps they have seen more, experienced more, but at the end of the day, it is the willingness to share and not hide one's true self from one another that allow friendships to blossom.

Who I am. I gave that bit a whole lot of thought. I have been through a lot (debatable) and I have seen a lot (also debatable), but that has moulded me into the person whom I am today. I have been hurt, loved, rejected, accepted, revered, outcast etcetera, And I hold all this within me. No, there aren't many sides to who I am, but rather, there are many aspects of me that were built up over the years and still remain a part of me. I believe that I am not fake. I have heard from many that I am one of the most realistic people around. That what you see is what you get. Also, from a conversation from a close friend lately, he was telling me about selective hearing. I do believe that many many people are guilty of doing just that. We are so caught up in what is happening around us that we lose track of reality. We paint a picture of what we think is happening to ourselves. Maybe believing that if we tell ourselves enough, it will be true. I think I have, over the years, learnt one thing. And that is to listen. For listening is a load more important than talking and conveying your own ideas. That should only be really reserved for those who really want to know. Those who treasure and respect you enough to listen. Really listen, and not assume.

This old Greenday song keeps playing through my mind... Of no consequence but what the heck.
Talk is cheap, and lies are expensive. My wallet's fat and so is my head. Hit and run and then I'll hit you again. A smart ass but I'm playing dumb.

Problem with quotations

If you love someone, let them go, if they return to you, they truly love you. What happens if when they return to you, and you have changed your mind? Poor me. Enough of summaries, I think that I have to re-learn many things, re-think many things, and that includes my values, and my belief system.

My Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Self destruction

I think I have officially reached the lowest point that I can ever get to. I have been trying to be strong to try and change what I have been dished, but it has not worked. I look into my heart, but it is in smithereens. I had a hope that this will end well, I had a hope that someone would appear and take this pain away. I am in smithereens. I have been cruel, I have also been on the receiving end of cruelty. Its barely 10 in the morning and I am starting my day grieving.

I have been cut off, nothing I can do, nothing I can say that can change what I have been dished, and I feel so helpless. What used to be my life now feels so alien. I am hoping to find some familiarity in all this turmoil, but I feel so alien in my own skin. I totally understand why people kill themselves. Not because they are very upset, but because they have lost themselves while striving for what they want. And when that fails, they have nothing of their own to hold on to.

Many people are listening, but I have to depend on myself to get through this. I am not going to kill myself. I have already died. Looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I need to breathe.

Differences

Differences in objective. That has been what has been on my mind all weekend. Well, before I start, April fool’s day was awesome! Got a good 15+ knots for 3 hours, then 10+ for the next 3. That got me happily planning on my carve 145, and 8.6m Severne Turbo for the first 3 hours, and then Starboard HWR, Neilpryde 11m formula stuff for the next 3 hours. That left me with an insane sunburn that is currently killing me!

Riight, back to the topic at hand. What has been happening. I am actually annoyed again at the person who sweeps things under the carpet, and thinking that the avoidance of a confrontation is the way to make the problem go away. I suppose that in hindsight, there really isn’t anything left to be said and done. Still, it is annoying that there wasn’t much of a closure, so much so that I am still hoping for something more. Something more that can no longer be. I have always drawn a line at physical infidelity. Reconciling with myself over what has been taken from me is quite nasty. I never want to feel this way again. Progressively, I think that I am getting more and more jaded, and that I am becoming less and less trusting of people. Mostly of their characters and determination. I know that linguistically, there are loads of things that can be said about how I feel, and what my experiences have made me out to me. However, I suppose that though I can reason that out for myself, that I am who I am, and that my character has been moulded by experience, and as such, nothing is going to change.

There was a time when I was really geeky, and I delved into academia, and the pursuit of perfection in many aspects of my life. I was into golf and billiards, and if you know those, they are in many ways the pursuit of perfection. I should go back to that. I should go back to cooling down, taking time to sort out myself and the things around me. I should try and return to a clam state, the calm that I used to know so well.