What I have realized

Hello all, it has been quite a while since I have felt calm, calm enough to be able to rationalize things for myself. I am again, at the crossroads, where life and love comes to a grinding halt, and matters have to be re-rationalized for the better of myself. I have been on the receiving end of news that basically translates into – “I have been using you, and now that I don’t feel like using you any more, you are hereby dismissed from service” All this came from the wrong person. I was hoping that this news would come from the Army, so that I don’t have to go back as a reserve any more. But nonsense aside, that came from a person who was very dear to me. I was dropped like a hot potato.

After trying to rationalize this for myself, I have realized that I am always nonsensical and illogical when it comes to matters of the heart. I always listen to my heart(gut) and react accordingly. Usually seemingly illogically. I have been through so many, and so much, I really don’t want to go back into the logical side of things, where I continually rationalize things that happen to myself to understand. I have tried that in so many aspects of my life, and like what I always say, humans are a lot less logical than we portray. Simply put, most people are impressionable, no matter the age, no matter the differences. The strongest of people are all but a front, and it is what the person is interested in, what the person is really into at that moment of time that they will allow into their life.

Let me give an example. When a girl is interested in a guy, she goes head into the relationship. It doesn’t matter as to the logical side of things. Logically, she will set up boundaries, like trying to be friends, verbally saying that the friendship is platonic. However, after all that, she will become impressionable. Ideas will start flowing from the guy to the girl, and she will eventually pick up enough to “open up”. In the meantime, she would have closed off to others. This is not only true for romantic relationships. Well, I think that is what I faced for a long time, and so, a partner in love really needs to be your best friend as well.

It has been a rough time for me, and when an aspect of my life does not go well, I have noticed that I overcompensate in others. I was drinking, living life on the edge, making a lot of noise and throwing tantrums, in the hope of maybe getting a bit more attention, or looking cool so that I get noticed, or whatever along those lines. Just to hide and mask my problems.

Well that is a summary of what has happened, perhaps it is not time to think of what is next.

The moment when

The moment when you realize that you just made a massive mistake, and you are about to kick yourself.

Like how I lead my life, perspective is everything. However, in the pursuit of perspective, sometimes I lose my way. What happens when you find your way? Is everything gone and beyond grasp?

I'm buzzing along.

After all that has happened, I suppose that this is the calm after the storm, when the little birds come out to play. It has been rough, and times have been bad. However, I suppose I came out of this not stronger, but more apprehensive of most things.

I have learnt many things during my short existence in this world(debatable), and though some are good, and others bad, this reinforces my belief of "nurture over nature". I think I was by nature, a very different person from who I am today, and that my experiences shaped me. Left to my own devices, I am sure I would have killed myself, or worse, gotten expelled from Hogwarts! Haha, I just had to do that.

I suppose that this is going to be a really light hearted post, and that I am resigned, and honestly, just sitting back, and watching time pass. Waiting for the time when I get worked up enough. Enough to jerk a response from me. Till then, let me ponder about the Deboichet fin I wanna get. Or is VMG a better choice?

Everything has changed

Well, it has been a time of change for me, so much so that I am now back to this, where I put my thoughts and feelings into words. Strange how change makes me use my brain a lot more than consistency.

I was listening to a song, and I shall embed that at the end of this rant. Strangely, I could relate to that so much so that it occurred to me that something else came to mind - A good friend once said, "different paths, same outcome" How true.

Back to the question of interpersonal relationships. How can two people sign a contract saying that they are for each other when I am sure that there are so many factors that will tear them apart? Mutual tolerance? Then again, why would you want to tolerate a person? Why would someone want to be attached/married in the first place? I think I am lost. Lost in my own beliefs and philosophies. They aren't getting me anywhere, and I am over-thinking. Worst part is that my thoughts go round in circles. Never giving me the satisfaction of a conclusion.