New surroundings

It is weird this little town where I am at now. It is quiet when you want it to be quiet, and rowdy when you want it to be rowdy. It is familiar, and yet so alien. It is boring, and yet so engaging. It is Spisska Nova Ves.

I know that it is a tiny little town, and should I tell my friends what I do here for fun, they would definitely scoff and tell me that I have definitely lost it. I have spent many hours in a cafe with my kindle reading some mind numbing book, watching the locals until my vision gets blurred by all that cheap beer. I have spent hours walking around, with a few cigarettes into alleys and corners where everything looks so medieval, where everything is so quiet, unappreciated, even though they are ancient, and have seen more winters than I have seen sunrises.

I like it here, being far away from people and things that are supposed to require your attention. That are supposed to function even without your attention. That would tell you a lot if and when they break down. Of course I am not trying to be self destructive, but sometimes, I suppose the only way to know is by testing.

Well, I spoke to a friend yesterday, and after I called him, wanting to have a listening ear, realized that he is in a whole load more shit than I am! And strangely, listening to his troubles, I am so happy to be me, instead of him! How very strange. To expect a listening ear, and instead, offering one.

Today

I was told that I have to be more firm in getting what I want. I was told I give people too many chances. Sometimes, I let people lead me around by the nose. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Who's to say? Who's to say when is the time to let go, and or when is the time to be firm? Who's to say that now is the time for that, and later would not bring better things?

Oh well, on a positive note, I had been really productive. Being away from it all, the noise of the city and people has probably done me a lot of good. In being able to silence my mind. Downside is that I definitely feel that my brain is processing less. Don't know if that is the silence, or the cold!

And ever apt, from V,
Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.

What has been happening

I have been thrown into unfamiliarity, and though this is what I wanted, of course, I am finding it a little tough to cope, a little tough to fit in. Well, nothing is going to change, and so I'd better fit in.

On another note, I have been reading how I have felt while I had some time away, the best and the worst times of this year. I feel that though things have changed once again, I don't know how I am feeling about all this. I know on one hand that I am happy that I get another chance to work at things with the person I love, but on the other hand, I feel that nothing has changed in that there are issues that are still unresolved, and as such, are once again, taking a toll on the relationship. There is a reason why the relationship took a turn for the worse the last time, and if still unresolved, will come back again. I am willing to work on these problems, but like everything, that takes two hands to applaud.

I have to admit that I have never really moved on from what happened over the past 3 years. I still love what I had. It is, however, very hard to move on with a second try when what has been dealt to me was really very nasty. I think I will need a lot more reassurance and TLC if I am going to heal at all. I have become a lot more nasty, knowing that if let them in, I will be putting myself in the position to get hurt very badly.

That said, if a superficial relationship is all that is wanted from me, and if no real commitment is seen, then I suppose that there is nothing for me to hang on to. Happy events and occasions are only there to reinforce a strong relationship. When that is not available, then are happy memories all that I can hang on to? I know what I want. I want it all. I want a soulmate, and soulmates know the other's needs and wants. I don't want to get any less than I deserve. I think I deserve an understanding partner, someone who can take care of my feelings. Like a close friend says, someone who knows when I am going to the other person like a hurt puppy, and some TLC is needed.

Going on about what happened over the past 3 months. I was reckless, and I was going about the world with a sledgehammer. I am surprised that I didn't kill myself in the process. I  know I hurt many people, and in hindsight, I am sorry. I was mean to the people who held my hand, who were nice and good to me.

I know that whatever I write, and whatever I say, that there is going to be very high chance that I get sucked into this again. Perhaps like my friends say, I just waste too much time on things that don't matter / things that shouldn't matter.

Some people do what they say, and say what they do. Some have such a large discrepancy between the two. Others just spout nonsense. Which are you?

I'm outta here

Well, this closes a chapter for me in my work life, and though I have worked hard at it, I really need a change from what I have been doing all this while. So much has changed over the past 3 weeks, so much so that I really dont know where to start. Whatever it is, I feel that I am doing better, and generally happier!

What it means to be a gentleman/lady

I was reading somewhere - What it means to be a gentleman / lady. It simply means to make those around you be as comfortable as possible with your actions and words, and to mean them. Some people have it, some are instigators and others are only jesters. Actions and words. Simple right?

I wish me all the best!

Here's to me finding something intellectually stimulating sometime soon! Fingers crossed!

My back!

I hurt my back from windsurfing overpowered, and it is really killing me! Now the dilemma, do I see a specialist now, or do I follow what the medical websites say and hang on for a bit? It is getting better, but oh so so slowly!

Effort

I think that everyone tries in their own different way. Whether or not they tell you about it. However there are some people who simply do not care, are all talk and no actions. If someone is looking for me, they jolly well know where to find me. Otherwise, it really shouldn't matter to me what they think or want to do. I have placed so much hope in humanity, in the character of people, only to be let down. But that said, this is the only time that something like this has happened Just because of one rotten apple, I should not give up hope on the whole plantation.

Graduate

I finally collected my certificate from my Alma Mater, after putting it off for so long, considering that I didn't even turn up for my convocation. It is an odd feeling, closing this chapter of my life, and proceeding on to the next. All I have to say is (a re-iteration of what a close friend said to me) - "I have wasted a lot of time on things that don't matter, and even more time on people who are not worth me." This is pretty darned good!

Numbers

I have aged. Just yesterday, I met this old professor from my Alma Mater. We spoke for quite a while and in his own words, - Kenneth, you are wise beyond your years. A mentality like that is reserved for people well advanced in years. This could be your greatest gift, or your biggest flaw. I wonder what that means. Is it just that he isn't all that bright? Or is it that I just over think and over analyse everything that matters to me?

Good wind!

I think I have to drill into my mind that some people are worth it, and some people aren't. Just by the way that they treat you. Why was I so blind? I chose to believe, even when I was obviously led around by the nose and used for so long. I give people far too many chances.

Aint nothing gonna break my stride

No more wasting effort where it is not useful. This has been good, and I have been lucky. To be so much better than before. People told me that I was doing well, and I never stopped to see all that I have done. I did, and now I am really raring to go, to becoming so much more. I always thought that I could not do this. I can, and bloody hell, am I enjoying myself along the way!

I am vengeful, stubborn, territorial, and very driven.

Well, it has been a busy busy couple of days, and I have to say that I am rather enjoying this. I think I have forgotten who I was, because I was giving too much of myself. Talking about that, I think that giving was the one release that I had. One which made me realize that you really have to pick the right people to be your friends, and even, to be close to you. I have always given people too many chances. Listening to them when what I should have been doing was to be doing the talking. I, being me, delve into emotions. I allow things and events to fully settle in. This has allowed me to see that there are many people just playing and using others for their own amusement, and that, I have been a victim of. There are a few kinds of people in this world, and I have to mention that I have been fortunate enough to be in contact with a few of my closest friends. They helped me become a better person. It may not be immediately evident if one cannot see past the initial façade of people. Past the drinks, everyone has a story to tell. I have listened to a few, and the advice that came along with that. Thank you, my precious friends, who helped me. Not only emotionally, but in many aspects of my life. I doubt I would have been able to be as awesome as I am now without help. Though I am traumatized, I have learnt so much from all this that it really doesn't matter how I learnt this, but simply that I did. Some people take the time to know others, many just assume. To many, the title of this post is a negative statement. But to those who really know me, that was a declaration of how highly I think of myself. And if you think you know me, you really don't. Understanding someone is not something superficial. It is not selfish or assuming. This comes with a lot of thought, a lot of experience and a lot of pain and happiness. Stuff like this is what they who are lacking pretend to have. And boy do they do a good job. Isn't it strange how when left to my own devices, I accomplish so much more, and feel so much more alive?

Huhh?

Sometimes everything just doesn't make sense any more, and I give up trying to understand.

How thought must not be.

I am firm, You are obstinate, He is a pig-headed fool.

Stating the obvious

When people don't listen, they don't understand. When they dont understand, then they keep assuming things that are not true about you. Then they judge you on what is their impression of you, and come to a conclusion that you are not good. Why judge me without really knowing my reasons. Simply because the other party cannot be bothered to.

Over the weeks

After this week of silence,I daresay that I have found myself in the silence,and I do hope that it shall remain this way. Out of the clutter that I call my life, and out of the insanity that was my mind, I am now rather clear minded. There are many around me who deserve a vacation like what I had, but due to their schedules/ability to leave, they don't. I think it is important for someone to have some quiet time alone once in a while to re-evaluate what they have, what they have lost, and what they want.

What I had was great. What I lost was horrific. What I want is paramount.

What I had was stability, and true to myself, I always go out searching for more, thinking that there is always more in life. As a dear friend once told me, many years ago, she was too, looking for something more. After all these years, I have to say that I have to learn that treasuring what you have been dished is far more important than looking for something new. Be it relationships, or at work, or what have you. Oh, and my dear friend, after a good 10 years, has finally admitted to me that there was nothing more that she could find. And, has not found anything more.

What I lost was very very much dear to me, but in light of what has happened, I do not believe that it was mostly my fault. I tried, and I screamed for attention, But none was afforded to me. Perhaps that is how all humans are. We scream for attention, doing the most nonsensical things hoping to derive some form of reaction from those whom we hold dear. I am guilty of that, and as such, perhaps I went a tad too far. That said, there were just too many factors that were clouding my judgement and what was at hand. Insanity was played out on both sides, to the point, to the point of no return. Words were used and actions were lacking. Words are cheap, and actions are what make us see the beauty of it all. Some people are all words, lyrics and songs. Others are all actions. Who do we trust? Who do we look to for what is to come. Who do we look to to protect the one most important thing in our lives? Who is going to take care of us?

What I want. I want to be able to forgive, never forget, and be more selfish to what I need and what. I have been led around for a long time. Many years, by people who don't give a damn about my well being. Physical well being, yes. But what about my spiritual and emotional well being? I have found that in my closest friends, but not yet in a partner. Do I go around looking? No. I shall try and find that in myself. I always thought I needed someone to love, and to care for, and share with, to be able to find myself. I was right. There is nothing more important than that. I really believe that love wins. Love always wins. I always delve into emotions and let them consume me before I re-evaluate. I do believe that that is the only way for me to fully understand what is happening around me. However, I think that for two people to understand one another on a level that can last a lifetime, that may very well be tough. Impossible, no. But tough nonetheless. It is a decision that you make. It's a decision that has to be weighed very carefully. If events play out in a manner detrimental to you in any way, then perhaps, just perhaps, sooner, rather than later is always better.

All this said, I am probably none the wiser, I am perhaps a lot more calm, but then again, none the wiser. This feeling that I feel all day, this thought that stops me from sleeping and jolts me out of sleep in a cold sweat. This feeling that is the worst in the mornings is a good friend of mine. I have known it a long time ago. It keeps coming back to visit. Just as death is part and parcel of life, I do believe that heartaches are too. I am not yet afraid of death. Perhaps I have never been. I am however, very weary of heartaches.

Worthiness. Who do we hang out with and who do we trust with our hearts? There are some things that I find paramount in a relationship. Be it friendships or in a partner. I believe that it is love, loyalty, respect, concern, sensitivity, attentiveness and the list is really too long to be written, but the top few are there. Who I hang out with, after the parties and the drinks, usually do leave me with the seeds of thought. Of little things that after the haze clears, I hold dear to myself. Perhaps they have seen more, experienced more, but at the end of the day, it is the willingness to share and not hide one's true self from one another that allow friendships to blossom.

Who I am. I gave that bit a whole lot of thought. I have been through a lot (debatable) and I have seen a lot (also debatable), but that has moulded me into the person whom I am today. I have been hurt, loved, rejected, accepted, revered, outcast etcetera, And I hold all this within me. No, there aren't many sides to who I am, but rather, there are many aspects of me that were built up over the years and still remain a part of me. I believe that I am not fake. I have heard from many that I am one of the most realistic people around. That what you see is what you get. Also, from a conversation from a close friend lately, he was telling me about selective hearing. I do believe that many many people are guilty of doing just that. We are so caught up in what is happening around us that we lose track of reality. We paint a picture of what we think is happening to ourselves. Maybe believing that if we tell ourselves enough, it will be true. I think I have, over the years, learnt one thing. And that is to listen. For listening is a load more important than talking and conveying your own ideas. That should only be really reserved for those who really want to know. Those who treasure and respect you enough to listen. Really listen, and not assume.

This old Greenday song keeps playing through my mind... Of no consequence but what the heck.
Talk is cheap, and lies are expensive. My wallet's fat and so is my head. Hit and run and then I'll hit you again. A smart ass but I'm playing dumb.

Problem with quotations

If you love someone, let them go, if they return to you, they truly love you. What happens if when they return to you, and you have changed your mind? Poor me. Enough of summaries, I think that I have to re-learn many things, re-think many things, and that includes my values, and my belief system.

My Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Self destruction

I think I have officially reached the lowest point that I can ever get to. I have been trying to be strong to try and change what I have been dished, but it has not worked. I look into my heart, but it is in smithereens. I had a hope that this will end well, I had a hope that someone would appear and take this pain away. I am in smithereens. I have been cruel, I have also been on the receiving end of cruelty. Its barely 10 in the morning and I am starting my day grieving.

I have been cut off, nothing I can do, nothing I can say that can change what I have been dished, and I feel so helpless. What used to be my life now feels so alien. I am hoping to find some familiarity in all this turmoil, but I feel so alien in my own skin. I totally understand why people kill themselves. Not because they are very upset, but because they have lost themselves while striving for what they want. And when that fails, they have nothing of their own to hold on to.

Many people are listening, but I have to depend on myself to get through this. I am not going to kill myself. I have already died. Looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I need to breathe.

Differences

Differences in objective. That has been what has been on my mind all weekend. Well, before I start, April fool’s day was awesome! Got a good 15+ knots for 3 hours, then 10+ for the next 3. That got me happily planning on my carve 145, and 8.6m Severne Turbo for the first 3 hours, and then Starboard HWR, Neilpryde 11m formula stuff for the next 3 hours. That left me with an insane sunburn that is currently killing me!

Riight, back to the topic at hand. What has been happening. I am actually annoyed again at the person who sweeps things under the carpet, and thinking that the avoidance of a confrontation is the way to make the problem go away. I suppose that in hindsight, there really isn’t anything left to be said and done. Still, it is annoying that there wasn’t much of a closure, so much so that I am still hoping for something more. Something more that can no longer be. I have always drawn a line at physical infidelity. Reconciling with myself over what has been taken from me is quite nasty. I never want to feel this way again. Progressively, I think that I am getting more and more jaded, and that I am becoming less and less trusting of people. Mostly of their characters and determination. I know that linguistically, there are loads of things that can be said about how I feel, and what my experiences have made me out to me. However, I suppose that though I can reason that out for myself, that I am who I am, and that my character has been moulded by experience, and as such, nothing is going to change.

There was a time when I was really geeky, and I delved into academia, and the pursuit of perfection in many aspects of my life. I was into golf and billiards, and if you know those, they are in many ways the pursuit of perfection. I should go back to that. I should go back to cooling down, taking time to sort out myself and the things around me. I should try and return to a clam state, the calm that I used to know so well.

What I have realized

Hello all, it has been quite a while since I have felt calm, calm enough to be able to rationalize things for myself. I am again, at the crossroads, where life and love comes to a grinding halt, and matters have to be re-rationalized for the better of myself. I have been on the receiving end of news that basically translates into – “I have been using you, and now that I don’t feel like using you any more, you are hereby dismissed from service” All this came from the wrong person. I was hoping that this news would come from the Army, so that I don’t have to go back as a reserve any more. But nonsense aside, that came from a person who was very dear to me. I was dropped like a hot potato.

After trying to rationalize this for myself, I have realized that I am always nonsensical and illogical when it comes to matters of the heart. I always listen to my heart(gut) and react accordingly. Usually seemingly illogically. I have been through so many, and so much, I really don’t want to go back into the logical side of things, where I continually rationalize things that happen to myself to understand. I have tried that in so many aspects of my life, and like what I always say, humans are a lot less logical than we portray. Simply put, most people are impressionable, no matter the age, no matter the differences. The strongest of people are all but a front, and it is what the person is interested in, what the person is really into at that moment of time that they will allow into their life.

Let me give an example. When a girl is interested in a guy, she goes head into the relationship. It doesn’t matter as to the logical side of things. Logically, she will set up boundaries, like trying to be friends, verbally saying that the friendship is platonic. However, after all that, she will become impressionable. Ideas will start flowing from the guy to the girl, and she will eventually pick up enough to “open up”. In the meantime, she would have closed off to others. This is not only true for romantic relationships. Well, I think that is what I faced for a long time, and so, a partner in love really needs to be your best friend as well.

It has been a rough time for me, and when an aspect of my life does not go well, I have noticed that I overcompensate in others. I was drinking, living life on the edge, making a lot of noise and throwing tantrums, in the hope of maybe getting a bit more attention, or looking cool so that I get noticed, or whatever along those lines. Just to hide and mask my problems.

Well that is a summary of what has happened, perhaps it is not time to think of what is next.

The moment when

The moment when you realize that you just made a massive mistake, and you are about to kick yourself.

Like how I lead my life, perspective is everything. However, in the pursuit of perspective, sometimes I lose my way. What happens when you find your way? Is everything gone and beyond grasp?

I'm buzzing along.

After all that has happened, I suppose that this is the calm after the storm, when the little birds come out to play. It has been rough, and times have been bad. However, I suppose I came out of this not stronger, but more apprehensive of most things.

I have learnt many things during my short existence in this world(debatable), and though some are good, and others bad, this reinforces my belief of "nurture over nature". I think I was by nature, a very different person from who I am today, and that my experiences shaped me. Left to my own devices, I am sure I would have killed myself, or worse, gotten expelled from Hogwarts! Haha, I just had to do that.

I suppose that this is going to be a really light hearted post, and that I am resigned, and honestly, just sitting back, and watching time pass. Waiting for the time when I get worked up enough. Enough to jerk a response from me. Till then, let me ponder about the Deboichet fin I wanna get. Or is VMG a better choice?

Everything has changed

Well, it has been a time of change for me, so much so that I am now back to this, where I put my thoughts and feelings into words. Strange how change makes me use my brain a lot more than consistency.

I was listening to a song, and I shall embed that at the end of this rant. Strangely, I could relate to that so much so that it occurred to me that something else came to mind - A good friend once said, "different paths, same outcome" How true.

Back to the question of interpersonal relationships. How can two people sign a contract saying that they are for each other when I am sure that there are so many factors that will tear them apart? Mutual tolerance? Then again, why would you want to tolerate a person? Why would someone want to be attached/married in the first place? I think I am lost. Lost in my own beliefs and philosophies. They aren't getting me anywhere, and I am over-thinking. Worst part is that my thoughts go round in circles. Never giving me the satisfaction of a conclusion.