Self destruction

I think I have officially reached the lowest point that I can ever get to. I have been trying to be strong to try and change what I have been dished, but it has not worked. I look into my heart, but it is in smithereens. I had a hope that this will end well, I had a hope that someone would appear and take this pain away. I am in smithereens. I have been cruel, I have also been on the receiving end of cruelty. Its barely 10 in the morning and I am starting my day grieving.

I have been cut off, nothing I can do, nothing I can say that can change what I have been dished, and I feel so helpless. What used to be my life now feels so alien. I am hoping to find some familiarity in all this turmoil, but I feel so alien in my own skin. I totally understand why people kill themselves. Not because they are very upset, but because they have lost themselves while striving for what they want. And when that fails, they have nothing of their own to hold on to.

Many people are listening, but I have to depend on myself to get through this. I am not going to kill myself. I have already died. Looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I need to breathe.