Over the weeks

After this week of silence,I daresay that I have found myself in the silence,and I do hope that it shall remain this way. Out of the clutter that I call my life, and out of the insanity that was my mind, I am now rather clear minded. There are many around me who deserve a vacation like what I had, but due to their schedules/ability to leave, they don't. I think it is important for someone to have some quiet time alone once in a while to re-evaluate what they have, what they have lost, and what they want.

What I had was great. What I lost was horrific. What I want is paramount.

What I had was stability, and true to myself, I always go out searching for more, thinking that there is always more in life. As a dear friend once told me, many years ago, she was too, looking for something more. After all these years, I have to say that I have to learn that treasuring what you have been dished is far more important than looking for something new. Be it relationships, or at work, or what have you. Oh, and my dear friend, after a good 10 years, has finally admitted to me that there was nothing more that she could find. And, has not found anything more.

What I lost was very very much dear to me, but in light of what has happened, I do not believe that it was mostly my fault. I tried, and I screamed for attention, But none was afforded to me. Perhaps that is how all humans are. We scream for attention, doing the most nonsensical things hoping to derive some form of reaction from those whom we hold dear. I am guilty of that, and as such, perhaps I went a tad too far. That said, there were just too many factors that were clouding my judgement and what was at hand. Insanity was played out on both sides, to the point, to the point of no return. Words were used and actions were lacking. Words are cheap, and actions are what make us see the beauty of it all. Some people are all words, lyrics and songs. Others are all actions. Who do we trust? Who do we look to for what is to come. Who do we look to to protect the one most important thing in our lives? Who is going to take care of us?

What I want. I want to be able to forgive, never forget, and be more selfish to what I need and what. I have been led around for a long time. Many years, by people who don't give a damn about my well being. Physical well being, yes. But what about my spiritual and emotional well being? I have found that in my closest friends, but not yet in a partner. Do I go around looking? No. I shall try and find that in myself. I always thought I needed someone to love, and to care for, and share with, to be able to find myself. I was right. There is nothing more important than that. I really believe that love wins. Love always wins. I always delve into emotions and let them consume me before I re-evaluate. I do believe that that is the only way for me to fully understand what is happening around me. However, I think that for two people to understand one another on a level that can last a lifetime, that may very well be tough. Impossible, no. But tough nonetheless. It is a decision that you make. It's a decision that has to be weighed very carefully. If events play out in a manner detrimental to you in any way, then perhaps, just perhaps, sooner, rather than later is always better.

All this said, I am probably none the wiser, I am perhaps a lot more calm, but then again, none the wiser. This feeling that I feel all day, this thought that stops me from sleeping and jolts me out of sleep in a cold sweat. This feeling that is the worst in the mornings is a good friend of mine. I have known it a long time ago. It keeps coming back to visit. Just as death is part and parcel of life, I do believe that heartaches are too. I am not yet afraid of death. Perhaps I have never been. I am however, very weary of heartaches.

Worthiness. Who do we hang out with and who do we trust with our hearts? There are some things that I find paramount in a relationship. Be it friendships or in a partner. I believe that it is love, loyalty, respect, concern, sensitivity, attentiveness and the list is really too long to be written, but the top few are there. Who I hang out with, after the parties and the drinks, usually do leave me with the seeds of thought. Of little things that after the haze clears, I hold dear to myself. Perhaps they have seen more, experienced more, but at the end of the day, it is the willingness to share and not hide one's true self from one another that allow friendships to blossom.

Who I am. I gave that bit a whole lot of thought. I have been through a lot (debatable) and I have seen a lot (also debatable), but that has moulded me into the person whom I am today. I have been hurt, loved, rejected, accepted, revered, outcast etcetera, And I hold all this within me. No, there aren't many sides to who I am, but rather, there are many aspects of me that were built up over the years and still remain a part of me. I believe that I am not fake. I have heard from many that I am one of the most realistic people around. That what you see is what you get. Also, from a conversation from a close friend lately, he was telling me about selective hearing. I do believe that many many people are guilty of doing just that. We are so caught up in what is happening around us that we lose track of reality. We paint a picture of what we think is happening to ourselves. Maybe believing that if we tell ourselves enough, it will be true. I think I have, over the years, learnt one thing. And that is to listen. For listening is a load more important than talking and conveying your own ideas. That should only be really reserved for those who really want to know. Those who treasure and respect you enough to listen. Really listen, and not assume.

This old Greenday song keeps playing through my mind... Of no consequence but what the heck.
Talk is cheap, and lies are expensive. My wallet's fat and so is my head. Hit and run and then I'll hit you again. A smart ass but I'm playing dumb.